When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.