When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.