@Marlebean: When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
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@HiddleDeeDee: I accidentally flushed a public toilet with my hand instead of my foot. I may be dying now.
@LeviathanPride: Guys at work are always like "why are your shorts so short?" Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know
@gringothespice: Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.
@RunJeffreyRun: I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.