@Marlebean: When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say "oh, I thought she was already dead"
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@KentWGraham: My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
@audipenny: person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
@KentWGraham: MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.