When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Why am I like this?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.