@Jmboyd58: When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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@whalesmells: When someone you don't like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
@LuvPug: He was like, 'We're all slowly dying' So I was like, 'WRONG' and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
@KyleMcDowell86: [job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"
@behindyourback: 11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything