When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?