@theDUDE___: When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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@theshamingofjay: A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we're not talking about marriage?
@EyeSeeYou619: [country music plays in elevator] ME: I hate Toby Keith HIM: This isn't Toby Keith ME:(leans into his face) I don't give a shit who this is
@WilliamAder: Doctor: Have you quit smoking yet? Me: Has there been a string of unsolved murders in the news? Doctor: No. Me: Then, no, I haven't.
@P1ssed_K1d: My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she's going to look amazing.