When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Phonetics
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Just this preview of the story is enough
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*