when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
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[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Oh the world we live in…
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.