When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
You Might Also Like
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Why I divorced her.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.