when u come home smelling like another dog
You Might Also Like
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.