@bourgeoisalien: When I die, I'm donating my body to the theater department. Any jerk could donate their body to science. I can't wait to be a theater prop.
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@bearloverbobby: I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem...
@david8hughes: *on deathbed* "Son u were *cough* ado-" "Dad? I was adopted?!" "A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don't know why we adopted u."
@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.