[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
You Might Also Like
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all