my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*