me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
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Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Wise advice
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Social Media and Real life
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.