@juliussharpe: When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
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@truegritrumble: WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@Tmoney68: This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I'm going to win it.
@bourgeoisalien: Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.