When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.