When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see