When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
If snails are so slow, why donât we ever see them coming? Itâs just BAM, thereâs a snail.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT⌠PLEASE.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
đ
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
someone described my girlfriendâs skin as âsun-kissedâ recently and now the sunâs about to catch these hands
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
16: âWhatâs an inheritance tax?â
Me: âNothing you need to be concerned about.â
You canât screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
How come itâs called an âengagement ringâ and not kneel diamond?
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, âdamn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole familyâ
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler