When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Donât You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
You know whatâs worse than someoneâs phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
My boyfriend just texted me, âWe need to talk.â I think heâs going to propose!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
âPlaneâ kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for âTruckâ in 2024 and âDoggieâ in 2025.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance đ
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
âItâs MY WIIIIFE, itâs now or neverâ – Borat Jovi
Iâm not even remotely sorry
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he âtradesâ for them. Iâd ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I asked my 6yo âarenât you gonna help me plant flowersâ and she said âoh mommy I would love to do that except that I donât want toâ
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport