@FormerGrunt: When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
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@IGotsSmarts: She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
@NinjaFuneral: I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I'm checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
@themorris23: Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: "Toast"
@ArfMeasures: ME: The mugger...he called himself "Antman" SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper* ME [shaking] omg that's him!