He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
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There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: