Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Vodka burrito was a success
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!