When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived