When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
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My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.