When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…