@tlemco: When I die, scatter me across my ex's front lawn. Also, don't cremate me.
@Brampersandon_: INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
@Schmoodles: I'm responsible for 84% of all cat videos currently available on YouTube.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Somehow stumbled upon a nude beach. .
Yeah, found myself in the middle of no wear.
@birbigs: Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn't have a job.
@echoVista: "My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."