When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula