@tlemco: When I die, scatter me across my ex's front lawn. Also, don't cremate me.
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@ErrenMichaels: *logs into Facebook *looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends *comments 'is that your dad' on all of them *logs out of Facebook
@Sickayduh: "I'm going to the post office. I need a place stamp" Wtf is that? "I dunno but this envelope says I need one here"
@HatfieldAnne: “Keep pumping until something happens.” -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood.
@DaddyJew: I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese