When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
it must be school picture day
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.