When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion