When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Only short people can save us
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?