@Heronhell: When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I'm gone
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@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity? ME: let me double-check with my counsel *moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods* ME: thats correct ur honor
@TheMichaelRock: [guy inventing Captain Crunch] Hear me out, they're razor blades, but they're delicious.
@hippieswordfish: [arcade] KID: dad, some guy is hogging the claw machine DAD: hey buddy, why don't you give the kid a turn LOBSTER: BACK OFF WE'RE IN LOVE
@themiltron: PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out. PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.