*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today