@Heronhell: When I die use my body to block up a water slide. No one should have fun once I'm gone
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@WarrenHolstein: Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't breaking news. It's been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
@brendohare: If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain "Do not hit that iceberg," saving millions in the process
@flashember: [Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief] COP: *squints* Was it you? GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope