@1BigMick: When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work.
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@Habbibti: A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community. I ride the train w/the cross-section & it's mostly people peeing on the floor.
@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@rockymomax: [me as a disc jockey] me: call in with any requests *phone rings* me: you’re on the air caller: please stop playing mambo number 5