nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
The Weeknd is back
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.