You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.