My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
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Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Oh boy, $150,000!
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.