When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”