When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
This is so me 😂😂
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”