When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Yup!
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.