When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”