When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything