When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Welcome to the stomach
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.