When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
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Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Spell check is for lasers.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.