Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Hamburger Hinderer.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche