Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I am, perchance
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.