I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.