Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.