When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Woke up against my better judgement again
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual