When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.