When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
You Might Also Like
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
May have had one breakfast too many
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Make new friends? bro out of what?