@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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@Stellacopter: If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
@DanMentos: shaggy: hey scoob where's my burger scooby: ruh roh shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know scooby: ruck roo
@NYC_Blonde: A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.