When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death