@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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@KenJennings: People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."
@turdfailure: I didn't get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
@oxygenplug: "we're out of bread" "ciabatta be kidding!" [waiter takes out gun] "make another bread pun and ur toast, pal... shit" [i take out my gun]
@SondraDeeMe: Boyfriend's on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones. I'm on the couch wondering when our periods synced.