@WheelTod: When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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@Sassafrantz: Pretended to add my number into this obnoxious guy's phone. All I did was edit his mom's contact. Hope she likes dick pics and booty calls.
@Ivsy01: If u love someone and they don't love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
@TheMichaelRock: Me: he's cute, how old is he? Guy: 25 months Me: first kid? Guy: yeah, how'd you know? Me: because you didn't say "he's 2"
@funandmisery: [Hands on Ouija Board] Me: If you’re really my grandma give me a sign! “W.H.Y.A.R.E.N.T.Y.O.U.D.A.T.I.N.G.Y.O.U.R.E.S.O.H.A.N.D.S.O.M.E.”