When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.