when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost