@sarah1mc: When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, "Wow, I can't believe it took so long."
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@abbycohenwl: "It's a banana in my pocket" "May I remind the defendant that he's under oath?" *averts eyes* "I'm glad to see you"
@KalvinMacleod: HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk ME: do you like things?
@NervousJr: my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
@dafloydsta: ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.