Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t