Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!