When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Greeting humans vs their dogs