@kelkulus: When I get to somebody's house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st] Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making. Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.