When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.