When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]