When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
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Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET