If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Breaking news:
Coffee for people with no kids
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Breaking news:
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”